


it's never hurt (this bad before)

by pastelhajime



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, M/M, rip in pieces lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-13
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-24 01:28:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9693809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pastelhajime/pseuds/pastelhajime
Summary: Silence fell on the hallway, deadly quiet. Iwaizumi could feel the tension pricking his skin, just like the tears pricked Oikawa's eyes. The world began to blur, to Oikawa, and suddenly Iwaizumi was nothing but a smudge in a whole landscape of colours."You've called me a dumbass many times before, Iwa-chan." Oikawa rasped. "But it's never hurt this way before."





	

**Author's Note:**

> i hate this but i love lexi so
> 
> it's so long?? and messy??? but the plot was good so here u go
> 
> twitter: rosejihoons
> 
> thank u for reading!!

"Okay!" Oikawa beamed. In his hands were two envelopes from Tokyo University, addressed to Oikawa Tooru and Iwaizumi Hajime respectively. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. "Let's open them at the same time!"

"Do we have to?" Iwaizumi took his envelope from Oikawa's hands and shook it gently, though he already knew it was going to be a letter. Oikawa huffed, annoyed.

"Yes, Iwa-chan, we have to!" Oikawa rolled his eyes. "I want to see the look on your face when you realise I was let in and not you!"

"Can I just open it now?" Iwaizumi sighed. Oikawa beamed.

"Fine. You go first." Oikawa leaned against Iwaizumi's couch. "Only because I want to see the pain in your eyes at your rejection."

"You sadist," Iwaizumi shook his head, but opened it anyway. "Oh my God,"

Oikawa laughed, tilting his head back. "See?" He leered. "That's the expression I wanted!"

"No, you dumbass!" Iwaizumi's eyes widened and filled with tears. "I got in! I got in!"

"W-What?" Oikawa got off the couch uncertainly. "You...got in?"

"Yes!" Iwaizumi closed his eyes, and tears streaked down them. "I can't believe it!"

"Neither can I," Oikawa admitted under his breath. "Are you sure you're reading this right?"

"Trashykawa, how else can you read 'letter of acceptance?'! I'm in!" Iwaizumi laughed. Oikawa looked down.

"I'm going to open mine at home," He muttered. Iwaizumi frowned. "See you later, Iwa-chan."

"Hey, that's not fair," Iwaizumi tutted. "If I open mine, you do too."

Oikawa rolled his eyes. "Fine." He tore the envelope open messily, and both boys held their breath as a letter with ' _REJECTION_ ' stamped across the top of it fell out.

Iwaizumi gasped. "Oikawa, I—"

"I told you I shouldn't have opened it now," Oikawa bent down to pick his letter up with trembling hands. "I'm just going to hang this on my wall of shame."

"Oikawa, you know it's not like that." Iwaizumi sighed sadly. Oikawa gave him a watery smile as he skimmed over his letter.

"It's my knee, Iwa-chan." His voice shook. "That's why they won't let me in."

"It'll get better," Iwaizumi blurted out. "It will, and you'll make it into the national team, okay?"

And even though Oikawa wanted to believe Iwaizumi's comforting words, all he could hear was Iwaizumi's chants of excitement.

_"I got in! I got in!"_

\--------  
 _Six months later._

"Hi," Oikawa smiled at the security guard. "I'd like to visit a member of your volleyball team, please."

"Sure," The security guard chirped. "Who would you like to see?"

"Iwaizumi Hajime," Oikawa forced out, even though the name left a bitter taste on his throat. The security guard's eyes widened.

"You're friends with Iwaizumi-san?" She gushed. Oikawa rolled his eyes. _Maybe this was what it was like for Iwa-chan in high school_ , he thought. "You're so lucky!"

"Actually, Iwa-chan is fortunate to know me," Oikawa grinned. "Don't get it mixed up."

"You call him 'Iwa-chan'?" She could barely contain her excitement. "Thats so cute!"

Oikawa shook his head. "Could you just let me in? Please?"

The security guard nodded like a bobble head. "Of course! I'll just let Iwaizumi-san know you're here, and then he'll come pick you up yourself."

Oikawa had to hold back a sigh of relief. "That's great, thank you." He smiled.

"So," The security guard leaned forward. "What do you know about Iwaizumi-san?"

\---------

"Shittykawa?" Oikawa looked up to see Iwaizumi, drenched in sweat from practice, but the biggest smile on his face. "I haven't seen you in ages!"

"Iwa-chan!" Oikawa flung his arms around Iwaizumi's neck who chuckled as he staggered back, unaware to the security guard's lustful gaze. "I missed you!"

"Yeah, yeah," Iwaizumi ruffled Oikawa's hair affectionately, and Oikawa beamed. "Walk with me, okay?"

Oikawa nodded. "Sure,"

"So, what brings you here?" Iwaizumi asked, wiping sweat from his forehead. Oikawa looked down. He _could_ tell Iwaizumi the truth, that he'd saved up on gas money just so he'd be able to visit, or...

"I just happened to be in the area." Oikawa shrugged, and wondered if Iwaizumi could tell if he was lying or not.

Iwaizumi stopped and frowned at Oikawa. "You just happened to be in the middle of Tokyo?" Oikawa nodded nervously, forcing a smile. Iwaizumi crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow. "Alright then, what were you doing here?"

Oikawa laughed awkwardly. "Is Iwa-chan suspicious?"

Iwaizumi narrowed his eyes. "Don't dodge the question, Oikawa."

"Job opportunities," Oikawa blurted out suddenly. "Mom said there'd be better options out here."

Oikawa held his breath as Iwaizumi looked him up and down quizzically. "Fine," He eventually allowed, shrugging. Oikawa held back a sigh of relief as Iwaizumi led him through hallways, finally stopping at the biggest gymnasium Oikawa'd ever seen in his entire life.

"Woah," He marvelled, looking in at all the athletes training, and felt a burning passion to join them. Iwaizumi nodded slowly, arms crossed.

"I know, right?" Iwaizumi grinned. "Come on, let's go inside."

Oikawa's eyes widened. "You mean, I can go in?"

"No," Iwaizumi rolled his eyes, but they were still shining. "I just asked you to look in from the outside while I practiced." He shook his head fondly. "Yes, dumbass, you're allowed to go in. Coach doesn't care."

"Huh," Oikawa looked around at the gym once more. "Did you, uh, bring anyone else in here?"

Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow. "Uh, yeah, my mom." Oikawa looked away. "What is up with you today? You're not being your usual self, Oikawa."

"Don't worry about me, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa cheerfully waved him off. "So, let's see this fancy gym of yours, yeah?"

"Yeah," Iwaizumi replied, suspicion heavy in his voice. Oikawa swallowed. "Okay."

"So," Oikawa asked, desperate to change the subject. "Have you played against Ushiwaka-chan yet, Iwa-chan?"

Iwaizumi looked down, a reddish tinge on his face. "Um, about that—"

"Aw, Iwa-chan!" Oikawa ruffled Iwaizumi's hair as the older boy frowned. "It's okay if you lost to him! I still like you all the same, so—"

"Oikawa-san." A deep voice behind them rumbled. "Nice to see you again."

Oikawa's blood froze. "Ushiwaka?" He turned to Iwaizumi. "What's he doing here?"

Iwaizumi looked from Ushijima to Oikawa nervously, hand on the back of his neck. "Actually, that's what I was trying to say." He removed his hand and cleared his throat. "Ushijima, meet Oikawa, my best friend and teammate from high school. Oikawa, meet Ushijima, my current teammate."

Ushijima frowned and tilted his head to the side. "I don't understand why you had to introduce me to him, Iwaizumi-san." He commented. "I mean, we did meet a couple of years ago when Shiratorizawa beat—"

"Shut up, Ushijima." Iwaizumi hissed, but Oikawa shook his head.

"Teammate?" He asked, voice shrill. "You guys are on the same team?"

Ushijima blinked. "Well, that is what teammate means, Oikawa-san. I'd assumed you'd understood, since you played—"

"Why didn't you tell me?" Oikawa's voice was softer now, but full of disappointment. Iwaizumi looked away. "You had plenty of time, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi sighed. "I know, but it wasn't exactly easy, was it?" He shook his head. "I mean, it's Ushijima. You hate the guy. How was I supposed to know you'd still come visit me if you knew who I was playing with?"

"Um, I'm sorry to break this up," Ushijima apologised. "But Coach wants you to come back now, Iwaizumi-san."

"I'll be back later," Iwaizumi replied, taking Oikawa by the arm. "And I told you, call me Iwaizumi."

Oikawa rolled his eyes. "So close, you two."

"Coach is not going to be happy," Ushijima looked from Oikawa to Iwaizumi. "But since it's a friend from out of town, I'm sure he'll make an allowance."

Iwaizumi grinned gratefully. "Thanks, Ushijima. I owe you one."

Oikawa rolled his eyes. Ushijima walked away. Iwaizumi sighed.

"Alright, so I guess I should explain."

\---------

Iwaizumi tried to find the words, but they seemed stuck in his throat. He couldn't imagine why—it wasn't like this was the first time he'd thought about telling Oikawa everything, but somehow, it was harder with the other's ashen face in front of him.

"So," Iwaizumi cleared his throat and folded his arms. "I'm teammates with Ushijima Wakatoshi."

Oikawa crumpled, like Iwaizumi saying those words hurt him physically. "No kidding," He mumbled. Iwaizumi sighed.

"I told you already, I wanted to tell you." Iwaizumi uncrossed his arms and put them in his pockets instead, palms sweaty. "I just didn't know how."

"Oh, please, Iwa-chan." Oikawa rolled his eyes. Iwaizumi looked down. "Its not that hard. You could have just phoned me up and said, ' _hey, Oikawa, guess who's my new teammate? That loser Ushiwaka!_ '. "

"That's another thing," Iwaizumi bit his lip. "I don't hate him."

Oikawa paled instantly. "What?"

"Ushiwaka." Iwaizumi sighed. "I don't hate him."

"I heard you the first time, thanks." Oikawa's eyes were wide in disbelief. "Do you not remember what going against him in high school was like?"

"I know, I was there." Iwaizumi shook his head. "But it's different playing with him, Oikawa. I get to win."

Oikawa jumped at the intensity in the other boy's eyes. "You've changed so much, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi folded his arms. "Well, it has been six months." He scoffed, shrugging nonchalantly. "I'd be more concerned if I hadn't changed."

"No, not like that," Oikawa shook his head, his voice soft in disbelief. "You've changed."

"Oh," Iwaizumi bought his arms to his sides, suddenly self-conscious. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you're a completely different person." Oikawa sighed, eyes on the floor. "The Iwa-chan I knew didn't care about winning, he just cared about his friends and their well-being."

"I haven't completely changed, Oikawa." Iwaizumi brought his hand to his neck, embarrassed. "I still care about my friends—"

"What, is Ushiwaka your friend now?" Oikawa laughed. Iwaizumi fell silent.

"Well—"

"Don't." Oikawa forced out, like it hurt. Iwaizumi looked down, guilty. "Don't finish that sentence."

"Fine, I won't." Iwaizumi relented.

Oikawa shook his head. "Are you even my friend, Iwa-chan?"

"Just because I like Ushiwaka doesn't mean I don't like you, Oikawa." Iwaizumi's voice was soft, careful. "You know that."

"Actually, I don't." Oikawa laughed, but his voice was thin and frail and all the things it shouldn't have been.

"Don't say that, Oikawa," Iwaizumi smiled softly. "I'm still me."

Iwaizumi reached out to put his arm on Oikawa's, but the brunet took a step back. Iwaizumi looked down. "Are you, Iwa-chan? Because I don't think I remember being friends with someone like you."

"Stop that," Iwaizumi snapped. "Did you come out here to meet me and catch up or just to make fun of me?"

Oikawa turned away from Iwaizumi sharply. "I came to meet Iwa-chan, not 'Iwaizumi-san'."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Iwaizumi frowned. "Are you that much of a baby to admit that Ushijima is better than you?"

"Yes, I am!" Oikawa yelled, and Iwaizumi faltered. "This man ruined my volleyball career, forever, so I hate him!"

Iwaizumi sighed. "You know he didn't mean to, right?" He raised an eyebrow. "He was just trying to play as well as he could, Oikawa."

"So was I!" Oikawa shook his head. "You promised me you'd always be here for me, Iwa-chan."

"I'm still here," Iwaizumi closed his eyes. "You just don't want to see me."

"I don't want to see you?" Oikawa laughed thinly. "Iwa-chan, I saved up for three months just so I could afford the stupid fare to get into Tokyo!"

Iwaizumi sucked in a sharp breath. "But I thought—"

"Just because you're doing so well here, it doesn't mean that everyone else is as well." Oikawa laughed and averted his gaze to the floor. "Drop it, okay?"

"Oikawa," Iwaizumi sighed. "I feel like I can't reach you anymore. You're so distant now, I don't know what to do."

"This trip was meant to fix that," Oikawa snapped. "We were meant to have some sort of, I don't know—" The brunet waved his arm around randomly. "—tearful reunion, but we'd leave knowing that we were okay."

Iwaizumi looked down. Oikawa shook his head and continued. "But if anything, meeting you has been the opposite of that."

"You can't blame me for making friends, Oikawa." Iwaizumi pleaded. "No one else would talk to me, but Ushijima did. And he's taught me well, Oikawa. I would never have been able to play this well if it weren't for him."

Oikawa stayed silent, eyes on the floor. Iwaizumi sighed.

"He's my teammate, Oikawa." Iwaizumi explained. "You don't just leave teammates behind."

"I was your teammate, Iwa-chan." Oikawa whispered. "How come you're leaving me behind?"

Iwaizumi ran a hand through his hair, exasperated. "I'm not leaving you behind, Oikawa, get that in your head!" The force in his tone surprised Oikawa. "Stop making everything about you!"

"Do you not remember what Ushiwaka did, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa yelled back, tears darting into his eyes. "I was a mess for so long because of him!"

"You think it didn't hurt me then?" Iwaizumi snapped. "But unlike you, I learnt to grow up, and move on!"

"Please," Oikawa rolled his eyes. "You're only 'moving on' because you've got Ushiwaka in your team."

"No, I'm not!" Iwaizumi yelled. Several students passing the hallways glanced over at them, but Iwaizumi's steely glare drove them away. "You don't think it was hard to be on the same team as him?"

"Oh, yes, the many misfortunes of being in a team with one of the top three aces in Japan." Iwaizumi shook his head.

"Ushijima's an ace, Oikawa." Iwaizumi explained. "That means I constantly have to compete with him to see who's better."

"Iwa-chan," Oikawa sighed.

"And most of the time it's him." Iwaizumi admitted. "And it sucks to see the coach have put in matches and have me as a reserve."

"But I'm not giving up." Newfound determination replaced the sadness in Iwaizumi's eyes. "Someday I'm gonna be better than him, and I'll be playing full-time."

"Come back with me," Oikawa blurted out.

Iwaizumi frowned. "What?"

"Come back with me," Lightning flashed in Oikawa's eyes. "In Miyagi, you'll be top ace no matter where you go."

"Oikawa did you even hear me?" Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow and wiped the sweat off his forehead. "I'm staying here to learn from Ushijima and eventually beat him."

"Oh, face it, Iwa-chan." Oikawa whined. "You're never going to be better than Ushiwaka."

Pain coursed through Iwaizumi. He swallowed. "Is that really what you think?"

"I don't mean to be a buzzkill, but yeah." Oikawa shrugged. "This guy's good, and he's got talent, and—"

"And I don't." Iwaizumi's voice was dead cold. Oikawa tried to retrace his steps.

"That's not what I meant," He laughed nervously, scratching the back of his neck. "You know that."

"Alright," Iwaizumi crossed his arms. "What did you mean, then?"

"You know what I mean, Iwa-chan." Oikawa sighed. "You said so yourself, the team with the stronger six is stronger."

"Yes, but unlike you, I'm trying to become the stronger six." Iwaizumi snarled. "You just whined about it, dumbass, and that's why Kageyama became stronger."

_"I'm sorry, but we're picking Kageyama-kun."_

_"Kageyama, you're so strong! So much better than Oikawa-san!"_

_"We'll definitely beat Ushijima now!"_

_"Oikawa could learn from you, really!"_

Silence fell on the hallway, deadly quiet. Iwaizumi could feel the tension pricking his skin, just like the tears pricked Oikawa's eyes. The world began to blur, to Oikawa, and suddenly Iwaizumi was nothing but a smudge in a whole landscape of colours.

"You've called me a dumbass many times before, Iwa-chan." Oikawa rasped. "But it's never hurt this way before."

Iwaizumi sighed. "Oikawa, I—"

"No," Oikawa shook his head, tears falling. "I can't _believe_ you."

"I'm sorry, Oikawa." Iwaizumi insisted. "But you just weren't listening, and I had to—"

"Don't." Oikawa's voice was ice-cold. "I don't want to hear it."

"You're still stronger, Oikawa." Iwaizumi pleaded. "You always have been."

"I was," Oikawa turned away and began heading for the exit. "And then I came back to see you."

\-------

The train ride back home had never felt so lonely.

The rain pounded against the glass, rattling it. Passengers moved away from the window seats, yet Oikawa couldn't find the strength in himself to.

He hadn't meant for it to be like this. He just wanted to see Iwaizumi again, to tell him that he still cared about him, but instead—

Oikawa shook his head. It wouldn't do him well to think about this.

Yet, whenever he closed his eyes, all he could see Iwaizumi's upset face when he told him he'd never beat Ushiwaka. And sure, Iwaizumi said all those stuff back, but only because Oikawa'd hurt him first.

He knew he had to apologise. It was the right thing to do. But he also knew that seeing the other boy's face would literally kill him.

 _I'll just call him,_ Oikawa decided. _Maybe it won't be as bad if I don't see him? If he doesn't pick up, it's okay, you can try again later, but at least you'd know that—_

"Hey, you've reached Iwaizumi's answering machine." The machine answered. Oikawa held his breath. "Leave a message after the tone."

"H-Hi," Oikawa stuttered. He felt himself going red. Why was he doing this?

"I just wanted to call you to apologise. What I said was wrong and unfair. You—well, you're working hard to get what you want, harder than I ever did. And I shouldn't make fun of that, I know."

"But it's hard, you know? You're literally doing what I've always been dreaming of, and you're doing it with the person who made it impossible for me to achieve it. I know, I'm being petty, but I miss you, Iwa-chan. I really do."

"I should've been thankful to see you, but seeing you with Ushiwaka stirred something up in me. It broke my heart, which is why I lashed out at you. And I guess I must have really hurt you, because usually you can calm me down, but this time you went back at me."

"And I'm not mad at you, Iwa-chan. Believe me. I just wish I had the confidence to tell you all this in person."

"Stay safe, Iwa-chan." Oikawa wiped his eyes and smiled as the rain stopped. "Tell me what it's like to be the stronger six, okay?"

And that's when Iwaizumi picked up the phone.


End file.
